A_Nominus_Bob's Authorin' Note to Readers:
This here is my entry for the upcomin' 2007 Greater Barstow California Erotic Writin' Contest. I done put the SpellCheckin' Whammy on this here puppy and I am purty shure that them judges will be acceptin' it despite the disclaimerin' declaration attachment regardin' my slight case of malaporism that I suffer from.
GOLDENLOCKS and THE THREE BEERS by A_Nominus_Bob
ONCE UP ON a time in a part of a magical forest where things were not what they seem'd to be, there lived some swingin' bachelor-type fella's:
Ramon, the Karaoke DJ.
Kip, who was surprisingly, a completely heterosexual interior designer.
And there was Stanley, Kip's college-aged inwardly withdrawn younger brother.
The fellas lived in a 4 bedroom, split-level cottage with attached garage, that had been previusly owned by a grandmotherly old lady who had mysteriously disappeared.Their realtor had been a red-caped wolf. As far as realtors go, the wolf wasn't popular, but he was a fast closer. The boys liked him for THAT reason alone.
Inside the cottage was furnished in the latest in deep-woods chic, a mix of Quaker simplicity and Southwestern Traditionalism.
The living room was huge and contained three pieces of furniture:
A big ol' recliner, a comfy couch and a ceilin'-mounted sling-like device, which, as the story goes was only for Ramon The Karaoke DJ and the frequent female patrons of the local VFW where Ramon pulled gigs at. If you were to ask Ramon's adorin' female patrons about the sling-like device they would tell you the same thing; "It was just right."
They would tell you that every time.
Kip was not pleased with the sling-like device bein' in the livin' room. If you were to ask Kip about the sling-like device he would tell you the same thing every time:
"It is a functional piece but out of place in this huge living-room", he would tell the occasional visitin' visitor.
Stanley spent most of his time in the garage. Stanley was a bit of a loner.
One fine mornin' the three sat down together for some serious group time. They had to.
There were issues in the house-hold. There were anger management issues for Ramon. There were childhood sexual issues for Kip and self-esteem issues for Stanley. They talked and argued and then they decided that they would all go for a walk in the great forest like they used to do before they had issues. So they did.
They did not lock the door as they left; the boys never locked the door to the house. It was a house occupied my three manly men, everyone in the forest knew that.
While they were gone, a unemployed Keno-dealer from Reno named Goldenlocks came upon the house and just walked right into their home. Goldenlocks had grown up in and out of the group-home enviroment so she was lackin' certain manners. Goldenlocks also had a little problem with takin' things that didn't belong to her.
First she made herself at home in the livin' room:
The recliner she found just too hard to operate, what with all the built-in massagin' functions. Kip had programmed the recliner to his personal specifications.
The sofa was too soft, and smelled funky like week-old socks and it apparently had some bad springs at one end too. When Stanley wasn't in the garage, he was passed out on the sofa, sometimes for days.The funky smell was probably due to Stanley, the other boys reasoned.
Then she tried the sling and Goldenlocks found it to be just right.
After relaxin' in the sling, she felt like she needed a liquid refreshment, perhaps a beer. She went into the kitchen and found a six-pack of Shiner Bock that Ramon swiped from the bar at the VFW the night before. She drank that rich, dark Texas Bavarian beer right down as she explored the rest of the house, along with a half-filled carton of 2% low-fat milk, which was her favorite. Goldenlocks also found a half-eaten banana on the kitchen counter-top that Stanley had started to eat during the group discission earlier that morning.
She started investigatin' the upstairs.
When she poked around in the closets, here's what she found:
Ramon's porn magazine collection.
She smiled when she saw that there were a lot of the pages with corners folded over.
Then in Kip's bedroom she found a special box that had to belong to Kip. She had some of the very same things that she found in Kip's special box, but hers were back at her double-wide trailer in Reno. She noted that Kip's collection included the standard and time tested battery-powered implements of self-pleasurein' and several life-like latex models as well.
There were other items in the box that she had seen once on the set of a low-budget porn production where she worked as a "fluffer girl".
She turned on ALL the battery powered ones before she left Kip's bedroom, smiling to herself in a mischievous way.
Goldenlocks went back downstairs and out into the garage. She rooted around out there, messed around on Stanley's computer and found his stash, and she smoked it all up.
Goldenlock was feeling pretty relaxed and mellowed-out, and decided to grab a nap. So she headed back upstairs to Kip's bedroom, which was the most tastefully decorated of all the bedrooms.
Very soon after that, the fellas' came home from their walk, feeling pretty good about themselves,except for poor miserable Stanley.
Stanley went out to the garage.
He was feeling like he needed to be in his "loner" place.
Ramon and Kip went to the living room to relax. Kip sat down in his recliner, Ramon spread a bath-sheet on the comfy sofa and plopped right down:
After about twenty minutes had passed in silence Ramon asked, "Who's been dickin' with the settin's on my chair?"
Kip said, "We need a new sofa."
Stanley came in from the garage and said, "Anyone see my stash?"
It was lunch time, so they went to the kitchen:
Ramon said, "Well, looks like we're out of the 2% milk. Wasn't it on the grocery list?"
Kip said to no one in particular, "I could have sworn there was a half-eaten, unpeeled banana out on the damn counter-top. Maybe it's in my personal massager box upstairs."
Stanley said, "Who the hell smoked all my stash up?"
They were understandably confused by all these mystifying developements in their usually routine lives. Mental fatigue set in during all the confusin' mystifyin' developments.
They decided to take a nap.
When they went to their bedrooms:
Stanley found some half-smoked spiffs that he'd hidden in a pair of rolled-up socks. He fired them up and pretty soon was snorin' away in just a little bit.
It didn't take Ramon and Kip long to discover Goldenlocks in Kip's bed.
"Hmm, she's cute, in a down and out Reno Girl sorta way," they both thought aloud.
Ramon nudged her awake and quickly stuck a ball gag from Kip's special box in Goldenlock's sensuous and inviting mouth, then tied her to the bed, using velvet-lined wrist and ankle cuffs.
They then idled away the rest of the afternoon or so doing shots of tequila off of Goldenlocks sweaty and witherin' pierced belly-button and tryin' out some of Kips "toys" on Goldenlocks, while the poor thing passed between pain and pleasure. Ramon, at one point suggested they go wake Stanely up so that they could pull a train on the little wanton vixen. Kip selfishly nixed that notion, even though Goldenlock seemed up for such a experience. She downed two more Shiners during this time.
Kip cautioned Goldenlocks once or twice during this foray into sexual nirvana, hissing through his zippered hood
"Breath a word about this to anyone you sneaky little bitch, and Me and Ramon are goin' straight to the authorities and tell them ALL about your little "breakin' and enterin'" mis-adventure."
Stanley, who wasn't really passed out at all, watched the whole thing on his mini-remote web cam he had installed in Kip's bedroom, and, shall we say, for lack of a more descriptive word, fan-dangled himself while he watched. This was not unusual for Stanley and it was part of his "loner" psyche.
When Kip and Ramon finally released Goldenlocks from the four-point restraints that Kip had purchased on ebay, she had a glazed but yet, gratified look in her eyes, and mumbled, "Same time tomorrow?"
Ramon and Kip smiled knowin'ly to each other and nodded in the affirmative.
And they lived happily ever after.